Hard Things

I've had a bit of writer's block lately.
Ok...I've had a lot of writer's block lately. ;)

Started a few different posts, only to be unsure how to finish them.

So those unfinished posts are hanging out, waiting to be complete....hopefully they will be at some point.

There's been this theme running through my head for the past 2 and half years since God called us here....a theme that, simply stated, is "sometimes God calls us to do the hard thing." Or the hard things. In October of 2009, God clearly and distinctly called us to a church in Georgia.  I cringe a little at having to type that He clearly and distinctly called us...or more specifically, that it took the clearly and distinctly part to convince me.  I blogged about all of this here if you haven't read it before and would like to. It will definitely give you a better understanding of the start of this part of our journey...a better understanding of me. But anyway...it took a lot, and it both breaks my heart that God had to be that obvious to convince me, and fills my heart with happiness that He loves me and knows me so well that He was willing to make it that obvious for me.  So I wouldn't doubt, so I could trust Him completely.

How very much He loves us.

I wish I could say that I jumped headfirst into this new ministry opportunity, but it didn't really go like that.  You see,  I may have gone obediently to Georgia, but I didn't go happily.  But I can look back now with a different perspective than when all of this started. Now I can see how God has handled the details...how well He has taken care of us here. And that even though there have plenty of bumps in the road in my life....things I would have rather avoided, THIS was the first real, big, out-of-my-comfort-zone thing.  I hibernated for the first few months, making sure the boys were good, that they were making friends, that they liked school, that they were happy.  But I laid low and didn't try to do much of anything. And I believed that it was ok to do that....and really, I needed that time. The 5 of us have relied even more on each other than we did before....and we are happiest when we're all together.  Thankfully, God cares about the details of our lives, and He knew I needed friends here too.  So He provided them. It's a rather small handful, but that handful gets me, they love me, they understand that this has been hard, and they've been patient and encouraging. And while I miss my people back home more than ever, so much so that sometimes it feels as if the wind has been knocked out of me, I'm trusting that what we have is solid and unchanging.  God knows the desire of my heart. Period.

So.

Where do we go from here?  I know that God allowed me some much-needed time to recoup from the move, but I feel quite certain that He does not intend for me to hibernate in this house forever. ;) Some really cool things are happening in our family....right now, more specifically, with part of our extended family. Ironically, (or really not...just how God works sometimes) at the time when our family of 5's "hard" was beginning, someone (2 someones, actually) were already embarking on their "hard" as well.

This is my sister, Reagan. She's 2 years younger than me, and one of my very best friends in the whole world. The pic was taken last summer when she and Brian pulled off the biggest surprise ever for me by planning a weekend visit for her to come see me. He just pulled in the driveway after a regular day at work, with her in the car. :)  I seriously had NO idea, and some time with her was just what I needed. Love her....not only for thoughtful things like this, but for lots of other things too.  She's funny, and hardworking, so much fun, and understands me like nobody else does.  She also is one of the very strongest people I know.  She and her darling hubs have been on a ridiculously difficult journey to become parents.  Trust me...it would have been way easier to just forget the whole thing and be thankful they had each other.  And they are pretty fantastic all by themselves, so that would be understandable. ;)
However, they knew that God was calling them to do something hard. Something He knew they could handle, but still hard. Reagan and Jon knew they wanted to be parents. I knew they HAD to be parents....given how amazing they were at being an aunt and uncle to the boys, I could only imagine how much more amazing they would be with their own kiddos.

Now, I'm always careful when telling someone else's story.  I want to be respectful of boundaries and all. So I'll leave the details out.  Just know that they went through a lot of testing, treatments, and other procedures in effort to have a baby.  And it wasn't too long before they realized that maybe God had something different in mind.

Meanwhile... 

....there were these two little munchkins living not too far away who had gotten a pretty rough start in life. All the while Reagan and Jon were starting to see that God had called them to a different way of becoming a mom and dad, there was more and more proof that these two were going to need to be rescued.  And soon.

When Reagan and Jon decided to adopt they realized there were different ways to go about doing that. And all of those ways are special.  And noble. They make each family's story unique and wonderful. For this family to come together, R and J had to work with the foster care system...a riskier way, with less of a guarantee of a permanent placement.  But they knew it was what they were supposed to do, so they started on the journey that would eventually lead them to the children that we believe they were always supposed to have. Twins.  A boy and a girl, whose birthday happens to be the same day as R and J's anniversary. The timing had to be perfect, the waiting had to be endured for God's perfect plan for this family to become reality. I LOVE it when God does stuff like this....little details that double as amazing confirmation that He really is in the details.  All of them. :)

In October Finn and Bailey joined Reagan and Jon through the foster care program.
On April 4 they will officially, legally, become a forever family.
And I am so completely ecstatic that the boys and I will get to be there to witness this
incredibly important, unforgettable day.
(and in case you're wondering...after this blessed April 4 day we will FINALLY be able to share photos of these darling babies' faces.  Hang in there.;)

When I met the twins back in November I wasn't sure how they would respond to me.  They had been through an awful lot, and I was just going to be there for a couple days.  But when we met the bond was instant. It was as if I'd known them forever....not quite the same feeling as when I saw my own boys face to face on the days they were born, of course, but undoubtedly, exactly the way an aunt should feel the second she meets her niece and nephew for the first time. :) I am in love with those kiddos, and absolutely LOVE being their Aunt Jac. And not to brag...but I'm pretty sure they're crazy about me too. ;) 

It is downright magical getting to watch this family together.  Reagan and Jon's "hard" isn't quite over yet.  They are having to undo a lot of what happened during Finn and Bailey's first two years...and they are doing an incredible job at it.  Thankfully everything is fixable, and they are healthy, and strong, and loving, and so very beautiful. :) Thriving and amazing us all with how wonderfully they are doing. 

And all of this has encouraged me more than I could ever adequately express on this blog.  It has also pushed me forward in an effort to make sure that we rejoice in God's timing and take joy in waiting on His plan.  And I can't wait to see what He has up next for our family.  A few weeks ago Hunter informed me that there were way more boys than girls in our family, and that he wanted a sister. After reminding him that I can't have any more babies, he quickly responded with, "That's ok, Mom.  Let's just 'dopt one like Aunt Reagan and Uncle Jon did.  I'll talk to Dad about it."  ;)  I don't know yet if that is what God's plan is for us...but I can't wait to find out.

The takeaway?  God's plan doesn't always look like you think it will.  It isn't always rainbows and butterflies, and it doesn't always come in a pretty wrapped package with a bow on top. But it is always exactly what we need at EXACTLY the time we need it. His gifts are always the most thoughtful, the most perfect....His absolute best for us.

God is good.  ALL the time. :)

So I'll leave you with that for now...even though I have much more to say.  

Guess I have some making up to do for the 2+ weeks I've kept quiet, right?  

Hearts

In the very last episode of "Friends," there's this scene where Monica and Chandler, after much anticipation, become parents to twins through adoption~ one boy and one girl.  

When Monica is meeting her son for the first time, she tells him: 

"I'm going to love you so much that no woman is EVER going to be good enough for you!" 

It was a very Monica-ish thing to say. ;)

When this final episode of the final season of "Friends" aired (I'm still not over the fact that it's over...thank goodness for reruns), I was hugely pregnant with this guy right here:

Since he was my second son, I already knew all too well these feelings that Monica expressed.

I laughed at that line....because it was funny.

I nodded at the television....because I understood.

Maybe not the healthiest of feelings...but true nonetheless.

Yesterday I took Hud out for a hot chocolate date at Starbucks.

He loves hot chocolate, and it was freezing cold outside.

He loves a date with his mama almost as much as I love one with him.

It's something we started a few years ago.

I like the idea of teaching them how to treat girls, the importance of holding doors open, 

to be good listeners, to be gentlemen.

I try to take each of them out alone when I can...not in any particular order or with any real regularity, just when the opportunity presents itself, or if one of them seems to need a little extra mom time.

And I've learned a thing or two from these dates with my little men.

For one~ as cool as the three of them are together, they are a different kind of cool alone.

They talk about things that don't come up when the brothers are around,

and we have a quiet understanding that what is said during this time is sacred, and it stays there.

Out of the three, my middle man tends to be quieter,  intuitive...very aware of others and their feelings. He's so incredibly sweet and thoughtful it will almost make your heart hurt, it's so full.

He's quite happy to let his brothers dominate the spotlight, and loves to see them happy.

Don't misunderstand....he can hold his own too, and has a stubborn streak like I've never seen.

I'm thankful for that streak, and love when he shows it....you see, we're kind of a loud bunch, his brothers and I, with Hud and his dad being the quieter ones.  Good thing, probably...can't imagine what it would be like if all 5 of us were like me.  Have mercy.

As he and I were talking and enjoying our hot chocolates, solving the world's problems, ;) 

I couldn't help but think about the day when he does start to date.

I honestly don't think it would have come up if he hadn't started this conversation:

(and this isn't a secret, so I can share it)

"Hey Mom, when we're done here I need to buy one of those heart-shaped boxes of chocolate."

And so I sit there for a moment, relishing in the fact that I really do have the sweetest, most thoughtful middle son in the world because he wants to buy me, his favorite girl, some candy for Valentine's day.

But I played it cool and said, "Ok...who is it for?"

Then I sat back and waited for him to flash those darling dimples and tell me that of course, the chocolate was for me, his favorite girl in the whole wide world.

But things didn't quite go like that.

Instead he told me, (dimples showing, and varying degrees of red flashing on his sweet cheeks) 

that they were for Susie* (name changed to protect the innocent;).

"Oh...okay!" (doing my best to hide my surprise, and at the same time feeling a sense of pride that Hud, at only 7, was already learning the importance of making a girl feel special and appreciated, but then on the flip side thinking that at only seven he was already picking up on the importance of making a girl feel special and appreciated.

I made a mental note to keep a close eye on this kid ;) 

and then asked him what it was about Susie* that made him want to make her his Valentine.

His darling answer?  

"Because she's my friend, and I like her glasses."

Darling. Little. Love. (the boy, not the valentine story)

Even though that's pretty cute too.

Needless to say, there is a little girl out there right now (maybe it's Susie, maybe someone else) who is going to grow up and fall in love with this boy some day, and she is going to be extremely blessed. :)

So you might be wondering what the take-away is today?

Well, here it is. One-on-one time with your children is important.  In fact, it's downright magical.  I know I focus on my relationship with my boys here, but that's because it's all I know.  If I had a girl I would do the same thing with her~ we'd be off getting pedicures, having lunch at a tea room, shopping, etc. But God chose me to be a mom to 3 boys, and so I've made it my mission to be the very best boy mom I can possibly be.

  There is something significantly different (obviously) about your relationship with your children that are the opposite sex. It's in my time spent talking to each of them, having fun with them without their dad or brothers around, that gives me a different look into the mysterious world of boys.  It's made me understand the other men in my world a lot better...namely, my hubs and my dad. And my hope, in all of this time and attention given, in all my questions to them about why they like this or that, what their favorite things are, what they want to be when they grow up, why burps and farts are so funny (I'll never understand that one), etc., is that each one of my 3 will know without a doubt that their mom is crazy-mad-nuts about them.  About every little bit of them. That as they grow, they will continue to rest in the fact that they can talk to me about anything they need to...that I'm a safe place.  You see, their Dad is their hero.  And he should be.  They beam with pride when they talk about their daddy.  As they get older I've begun to see their longing to go do everything their dad does.  They fish with him, play baseball with him, go hunting, wrestle and play Nerf tag, watch sports and Wipeout (geez)....and generally anything and everything he does is the most amazing thing ever. As it should be...I love how they look up to him.  But you can understand my fear that with every year they grow that I lose a little bit more of them. Maybe fear isn't the best word....I know full well how much those boys love me, and I know that's not going to change.  But in the meantime, we'll continue to have our special dates, and I'm going to do my best to make sure they know I'm here, that I can handle anything they need to talk about...and that some day (like 20 years from now at least...lol) when they each meet "that" girl, fall in love, and get married, that I will happily gain a daughter, who will know how incredibly loved and treasured she is too.

Life in the Moment

My thoughts have been scattered lately.

I'm not even sure I can accurately describe what kind of scattered exactly, but it's ranged everywhere from longing to get away to the beach, soak up the sun, and enjoy an endless amount of diet cokes complete with umbrellas in them, to farm living (yes, again....that one's come up way too much~ it's now officially on my bucket list), to moving toward a more simplified way of living (more on that to come), to the fact that our black lab has shed enough hair lately to make one million little black labs, requiring lots of time spent vacuuming for me.  I don't think she's handling the adjustment to our new puppy, Sue Mexico, (yes, that really is her name) as well as we hoped she would.  But considering Addy was a little neurotic before Sue Mex joined our family, it very well may have nothing to do with her at all.

Yes, I'm a little scattered.

And not just with the mundane daily things, or the dreams of beachy vacations...even though it didn't help at all when today I noticed this photo as it flashed across the slide show on our computer:

My baby at 17 months.

 

Not only is this photo ridiculously yummy, (I know, I'm a biased mom, but those curls? STOP IT.)

but it also relates to the post...I think. ;) 

Life in the Moment.

There's this collection of signs hanging in our kitchen that together read, "Live your life in the moment."

Honestly, before I bought it, when I would hear this phrase, it seemed like a bad thing. I mean, if you're just living in the moment, won't you do a bunch of stupid stuff? Something dangerous?  Crazy? 

I'm typically more practical than spontaneous, so it's understandable that I would go there. But when I saw the sign that I quickly bought, that now hangs in our kitchen, something snapped in my head.  It didn't hurt. ;) I started to think about my family of 5, my friends, and our extended family, and realized how very much I wanted to live in the moment with them.  You see, this photo of Hunter was taken the same month that my grandmother passed away.  She was very much a live-in-the-moment kind of girl...one of the many things I loved about her. I'd love nothing more than to have had more time with her~ she was a total blast. And while I can't bring her back, (but oh, wow....how much I wish I could) I can most definitely instill her fun, spontaneous ways into my life. 

A very cool legacy I'm sure she'd be proud of.

We've already established that life with kids is crazy.  And busy.  And unpredictable.

While I long for this blog to be a place where moms can come together, celebrate their great mom moments, and regroup from their not-so-great mom moments, laugh at/with each other...I don't want it to be a place to celebrate mediocrity.  We were made for way more than that.

Let's face it: we're all going to have bad mom moments.  That doesn't make us bad moms.

Some days, living in the moment is merely celebrating the fact that we were able to get the kids to school on time...even if we did so in our pajamas. In fact, I celebrated that very thing yesterday, extra thankful to God for no flat tires or traffic stops.  That would have been awkward. ;) I am so not a morning person...and I've accepted the probability that I might never be, so being on time to school (or anywhere else, for that matter) is kind of a big deal. There are going to be days when we're tired, the kids have gone nuts, we've reached a new level of crazy, and we're counting the minutes until bedtime.

That's normal....but my hope is that it can be the exception, and not the rule.

My hope is that the norm will look more like this:

fort-building in the playroom, or family room, or bedroom, etc.

spur-of-the-moment frozen yogurt runs

sidewalk chalk art on the driveway

cold, rainy Saturday mornings crammed into snuggled in bed together

family movie nights

camping in the backyard

roasting marshmallows in the fireplace

neighborhood baseball games (or football, basketball, whatever)

picnics at the park

hide and seek

lunchbox love notes

I want to be heard saying, "YES! Let's do it!" way more than I'm heard saying "In a minute."

When my kids want to bake, or play a game, or go to the park, or play catch, I want to be able to drop what I'm doing and go for it more often than I do.  NOT to overindulge their every whim...that's not what I'm talking about.  And NOT to make them think my world completely revolves around them...that's not healthy for any of us.  What I'm suggesting is that we realize how very fleeting this life is, how very quickly these little people that live in our house will become big people who leave to start careers and families of their own....and make sure we don't miss any of it. 

I don't want to sound unrealistic here.

I'm not suggesting that you cram your day full of one activity after another.

That's exhausting.

But if you're like me, your default response to requests is "Not now" or "Maybe later."

That needs to stop.

 There's a lot of pressure we put on ourselves when it comes to raising kids.

Finding the balance between exposing them to all the things they need to see and do as they grow, while still leaving time for them to explore and play on their own.

You can spend 5 minutes on Facebook, reading up on what everyone else is doing this weekend, people heading out to this concert, that movie, this game, that event, this vacation, etc, etc, etc, and quickly feel like a loser parent who isn't providing enough "stuff" for your kids.

Stop that.

When I think about my childhood, do you know what my favorite memories are?

There's one that involves my mom, Reagan, and I searching for these tiny frogs that were living in our backyard when we lived in Tulsa. I think I was 5.  There is another one of my dad taking me to the toy store, not to buy something, but to let me ride the bikes up and down the aisles.  We did that a lot. The employees there loved us. ;) There's the little outfits my mom sewed for my Barbies, and the countless hours my dad spent throwing pop flies and grounders to me in the yard so I'd be ready for the next softball season. There's the summers spent in my grandparents' backyard, collecting fireflies.

Were these over-the-top things?  Nope.  But they are without a doubt the memories I treasure the most.

Big, special things have a place in our childhood.  Memories can definitely be made there, and it's good to provide those kind of experiences for your kids every once in awhile.

But I'm willing to bet that if you ask your kids, years from now, what their favorite childhood memories are, their answers will include the smaller things that didn't seem like such a big deal at the time.

If you need proof, read this.  Last summer we took the boys to Disney World.  We had an amazing time, rode lots of rides, saw lots of things, had breakfast with Mickey and the gang, bought souvenirs,  took lots of pictures....it was epic.  For 6 days we carpe diemed the heck out of that place. 

On the way home we asked the boys what their favorite part of the trip was. 

Do you know what their unanimous answer was?  The pool at the hotel.

I wish I could say I was joking, but I can't.

This summer we're booking the Holiday Inn down the street. ;)

(disclaimer: Disney World rocked.  The boys have brought up our trip several times since last summer, saying they hope we get to go again someday.  Maybe we will, but I'm not positive.  There are so many things we want to do with them, and for us and our budget, that might have been more of a "once in a lifetime" family memory for us.  And it was an amazing one, so no regrets there).

This isn't hard....we don't need to make it hard.  Just take time to slow down and live in the moment, one day at a time. Remember that these little moments really do matter. That you're creating memories that your kids are going to carry with them forever.   And that it's the small, seemingly-insignificant, every day kind of things to add up to a lifetime of happy. :)

Yellow

I never intended to get controversial with this blog.
I don't like confrontation or bad news.
In fact, I rarely watch the news at all in effort to avoid the bad news that will inevitably be reported.
It's not that I want to be ignorant or that I don't care.  I care very much...it's just that things seem to be so bad out there that it's hard not to revisit the whole let's-scoop-up-the-kids-and-move-to-the country thing.  Or to a cave. Maybe an underground shelter.  You get the picture.

What I'm trying to say is that all too often I want so badly to shelter my children from all the bad stuff in the world, to avoid what's hard, what's messy, what's difficult to explain or even understand,
that I lose sight of the very reason we are here.  And for a short amount of time, I'm able to convince myself that this is okay.  That I'm justified, because it's a dangerous world out there.

As a mom who is also a Christian, there is a constant battle in my heart.  The battle between living in the world and being of the world. I've been looking hard at myself lately. Looking hard at our family of 5, and wondering if we are doing anything at all that is making any kind of difference, and I know in my heart that I am toeing the "in" line and failing miserably at avoiding the "of" line.  So as much as I hate to admit it, I'm pretty sure that we look like any other family out there, chasing the American dream, with the only possible difference being that we might go to church more often than some people.

This revelation disturbs me.

*Warning:  this is where things might start to get a bit sticky.*

Over the years, I've listened and observed (whether in person, through facebook comments, etc.) to some interesting conversations between moms. These conversations are about all kinds of things....play dates, snack foods, nap times, when to call the doctor, etc. Lots of helpful advice being passed around, leaving me feeling all warm and fuzzy inside because of the love that these moms were sharing.

Sometimes the topic would turn to television, which shows their kids were allowed to watch, which were not allowed, and it was almost always a given that SpongeBob would come up.
And I would listen.  And I would (by some God-given miracle) keep my mouth shut.
It really is remarkable when that happens. ;)

But I thought it was important to keep quiet for two reasons:
#1- It's none of my business what shows their kids watch, and we have plenty of rules about that in our house too.  As my mom often says, "to each their own."
#2- I don't think SpongeBob is a problem. In fact....I think he's hilarious. But because of reason #1 for keeping my mouth shut, I didn't speak out about reason #2.  Definitely a catch 22, right?
(picture me cringing while I picture you reading this, waiting for the shocked expressions, gasps, etc.
It's okay....I can handle it....I think;)

Let me explain.

I've watched several episodes of this show, (so many, sadly, that I can quote it....and often do.  Right now my kids think that's cool.  They won't always.) and this is what I've seen:

SpongeBob is kind to others, even when others are not kind to him.  He's a hard worker, always showing up to work on time, and often staying late to get the job done.  He's a loyal friend.  He's creative and has an incredible imagination. He's funny, and really fun to hang out with. He has unending  perseverance....I'm starting to wonder if the poor guy is ever going to get his boating license.

But he never gives up.  Ever. And if there ever is an episode where he finally does get his license, I'm pretty sure I'll be watching earnestly from the couch, tears in my eyes, celebrating right along with him. ;)

Maybe you think I'm opening up a whole new can of crazy, 

but I don't see anything bad about these things.

Are there "questionable" episodes of SpongeBob Squarepants?  Maybe. We try to skip those.

Do they say words like "stupid" and "shut up"? Yes.

Are we allowed to use those words in our house?  Nope. Or to clarify further, we don't call people stupid.  We say things are stupid if necessary...because some things just are. ;)

That's not the point.  When I watch the show, I see a guy (sponge, whatever) going through life, doing the best he can. And I like to think that when our boys see SpongeBob being kind to someone who has been mean to him, that something is registering with them.  And then the boys and I talk about how the mean guy acted, and why that's wrong.  And how it is probably really hard for SpongeBob to be nice in return, but that is how we should be too.

And you know what?  I think they get it.

My goal with this post is not to convince you to let your kids watch SpongeBob.  It doesn't make a bit of difference to me if they do or not.  I just worry that if we're so concerned with shielding our children from everything that has the slightest bit of anything that could be bad or offensive in it that they're going to be so sheltered they won't know how to handle mean people, or disappointments, or anything else that's not sunny and happy. By no means does that mean I let them watch anything they want so we can make it a "life lesson."  Age-appropriate television only. Just ask Harrison, who just turned 11 and spends way too much time begging us to let him watch a PG-13 movie. 

Our response? 

"Ask us again when you're 13."  We're lame like that. ;)

Where was I?  Ah yes....the in, not of thing.

My husband is a pastor at a church.  Our kids go to Christian schools.  Our friends are Christians.

And while, of course, all of these things are good, great even, I can't help but wonder how we're ever going to help change the world, to be love and encouragement to those who don't know Christ, to point others to Him, if we never spend any time with those people. If we don't bust out of this comfortable, happy bubble where everything is easy.  And if I'm not doing that, how in the world can I expect my kids to do it?  And while I crave spending time with other Christian friends, to love on and encourage each other (we need that), I long to have a heart who craves spending time with people who think that maybe something is missing in their life, who hopefully see that Something in me.

  I've spent time praying about all of this, and I feel God is telling me that's it's time for us to step out in faith a bit. Or a lot. To spend less time worrying about what we might see or hear or are exposing our kids to, and more time out there being light, and love, and encouragement. Protecting them the very best we can, keeping them safe, loved, but also teaching them to love others.  The ones that aren't exactly loveable. To lead by example rather than follow what's wrong.

This isn't a new concept.  We have example after example of this, with Jesus being the ultimate example.

I don't want to be looked at as judgey and narrowminded.

I don't want to come across as one who thinks I'm better, or holier, or more godly than somebody else.

That's not my heart, but I cringe thinking about how I may look exactly like that.

Not to the ones who know me well, but the ones who don't.  Who just have watched from a distance.

So you may not think things have gotten controversial with this post.

I agree....they haven't really.

But they're about to.  

I'm being challenged daily about what I believe, and why I believe it.

This heart is changing.  I'm tired of looking around at the world and the way Christians are being portrayed (and sometimes, if not often, rightfully so) and I'm officially done.

More to come.

PS~ Why is this post called "Yellow", you ask?

Yes, because SpongeBob is yellow...

but so are chickens,

and I'm tired of being one.

Perception

First of all, thank you for indulging me this week as we celebrated two of our guys' birthdays.

Hunter's Lego Star Wars party yesterday was fun....thought I would share
a family pic of all of us in our Star Wars shirts.  The things I do for these boys. ;).

Thankfully Harrison's shirt fit me.

Harrison's Airsoft Camo party is next Friday. 

I will be sleeping in next Saturday. ;)

Now it's time to get back to business.

After the second post last week, I received a comment from a reader about how refreshing it was to know that I, a minister's wife, haven't finished a Beth Moore Bible study.
And now, out of the respect and love I have for Beth Moore, let me reiterate once again that it's NOT because I don't love her studies.  They are amazing...life changing. 

It's me and my scatterbrained, undisciplined self that is the problem.) 

I found it interesting that out of all that was written, this part stuck with her.

And then another reader appreciated that I admitted that I'm behind in the boys' scrapbooks.
Girls...you have no idea.

Then later in the week I read this post from one of my new favorite blogs called Momastery.

This mom is about as real and hilarious as a girl can get.  I would LoVe to meet her...partly because she seems like lots of fun, and partly because she totally gets it.  I love her honesty, her testimony, and how she is taking her difficult past and using it for good~ namely, help others to get through their hard stuff.

Source: etsy.com via Liz on Pinterest

So, with all this evidence, I started to notice a theme here:
Seems to me that there are a lot of moms wandering around,
muddling through the day-to-day stuff,
feeling like a hot mess,

thinking that all the other moms have it all together.

Anyone out there relate to this?

I know I certainly do.

Not a day goes by that I don't question a parenting decision I've made.
I worry if I'm being to hard on the boys, and they're going to resent me.
I worry that I'm not being hard enough on them, and they're going to become lazy, irresponsible adults.
Am I creating a fun, happy home for them, or am I too concerned with messes and loudness?
Are they involved in enough after school activities? Do they have enough time to just be kids?
I wonder if they are eating well enough, if I'm cooking healthy enough, if the foods they are eating are safe, if our budget can handle going completely organic, and in a few crazy-mom-guilt-fueled moments, I've seriously considered the possibility of scooping them up, moving to the country,
living off the land, and homeschooling them.

And then I come back to reality.
Because as much as I would love to keep them in a happy little farm-fed bubble, shielded from toxins, hectic schedules, and bullies....that's not the right thing for us right now.  For us.
Not to say it's not right for lots of other people.

That's the thing here....what's right for you may not be what's right for me.
And what's right for me may not be right for you.
And that's okay.
If God had created us all the same, with the same dreams, goals, hopes, and convictions,
life sure wouldn't be nearly as fun and interesting as it is, would it?

I look at myself and see so many things I wish were different.
I don't get out and walk/run as much as I should.
My quiet times are hit or miss these days.
My hair has way too much gray in it for being 34 years old. ;)
My baseboards need to be cleaner.
I miss my pre-babies tummy, and feel certain there aren't enough crunches in the world to get it back.
The condition of my stomach is so the least of my worries when compared to the love I have for my boys, but I don't really consider my stretch marks to be a trophy like some other moms might.
Maybe someday I won't care....or I'll pay some genius plastic surgeon to fix it. ;)
Really not important in the grand scheme of things, but it's the truth.

And I watch other moms, whether I'm at one of the boys' schools or out shopping, or at church,
and it's really hard not to compare myself to them.
It's amazing how I can go from feeling put together and fabulous one second,
and then frumpy and old the next.
And I figure that's probably normal, but it honestly never occurred to me that there are women out there who might be comparing themselves to me until I read those comments last week.

 

I'm sorry...what?

 I picture them picturing me as a put-together girl who's house is always clean, who prepares healthy delicious snacks for the boys after school each day and amazingly complicated meals each night; whose nails are always manicured, toenails are never chipped, works out every day, wakes up with the sun each morning to have her quiet time; has each child's scrapbook completely up-to-date at the end of every month; whose laundry never piles up and ironing basket is virtually empty (that one's really funny); planning fun games and activities for our afternoons and Saturdays, etc. etc. I picture that....and I laugh.

Couple that with the added pressure of being in a minister's wife role.

*gulp*

Now, I'm going to talk about the minister's wife thing more in a later post.

For now I'll just say that I realize the expectations are higher, and I agree they should be. 

Doesn't mean it doesn't overwhelm or scare me, but I understand and expect it.

But as far as the normal girl/mom stuff goes?

Crazy.

There's no reason to put this much pressure on each other.
Truth is....some of us have it together a little better than others.
Some of us are really good at keeping the stuff of life in order.
Others of us are really good at playing with our kids and allowing ourselves to live in the moment.
None of us are good at all of it all the time.
But I think that if we could stop worrying so much about what we're not doing right and be thankful for the stuff that we are managing to do right, then we're going to be okay.
At the end of the day, when I'm reading to the boys and tucking them in, and they throw those sweet little arms around me, kiss me, and tell me how much they love me....I know.

I know that we're good.
Not perfect...but good.
They are happy.
They are secure and safe.
Their tummies are full.
They are clean (most of the time;) and are cozied into their warm beds.
Life is good....enjoy it, and please....
try to just soak up the small stuff, because it's all the small stuff that adds up to one big happy life. :)

11

Today my oldest baby is eleven.

Now he needs to take off a shoe and sock to show how old he is....10 fingers is no longer enough.

We are in full swing birthday mode this week, celebrating two very special guys in our family.

Because each of them, their birth stories, their lives are unique I try to make sure they each get their "day."

Not gonna lie~ by the end of this week I'm wiped out.  ;)  

No big deal....partyin' birthday-style is fun, and it's not their fault that their birthdays fall back-to-back like they do.  I've told them enough that I tried really hard to go past Hunter's February 2 due date, happily willing to get as far into February as possible in effort to give us a different month to celebrate a birthday in.  But Hunter had other plans, and thankfully, Harrison is happy to share the week. :)

I think about that January day in 2001, and how thanks to all the drugs and a scary NICU experience....a lot of the details of his birth are a blur. However, there are certain things I will never forget:

He was beautiful.

He hardly (if at all) cried.

He gave me a love I didn't know I had the capacity to carry.

He made me a mom....my lifelong dream. :)

Together, he and I began a journey....the journey of a mother and her son.

It's a special relationship....it was unchartered territory for me.  Both the mom part, and the boy part. But there was something I learned really quickly....there is magic between a mom and her son.  

An understanding. A love that he showed me, that I instantly knew was unique to us.

The love a boy has for his mama is like no other. 

And I am crazy-in-love as well. :)

And so began our journey....he taking on the role of guinea pig without complaint.

Me, the inexperienced mom, who was determined to get it right, but messed up plenty. 

Bless his heart.;)

Harrison is an old soul.

He understands things I don't expect a kid his age to understand.

His eyes are green, like his dad's. And mine.

He has a contagious smile.

He's a heck of a baseball player, and I'm not sure which one of us is

more excited about this season coming up. :)

He loves to read, and thankfully...he still loves to let me read to him.

Last night we started the Narnia series, after finishing the 

Little House on the Prairie series for the second time.

I wonder if/when he's not going to want me to read to him anymore, 

so I'm going to soak it up in the meantime.

 I couldn't ask for a better kid.

Thankful for how much fun we have together, especially when it's just me and him.

And I love watching him be a big brother....he has a huge heart, and loves Hud and Hunter so much.  

And they think he's the greatest thing ever...makes my heart happy.

 As we continue on towards the preteen and teen years, I worry about how to change my parenting ways.  Is it going to embarrass him if I kiss him in front of his friends?

(Don't really care if it does....that just builds character, right? ;)

As he begins to take on more responsibility, pulls for more freedom, starts spending more and more time with his friends, I hope I'll somehow be able to let him spread his wings.

But I can't promise there won't be a rope tied around his ankle. ;)

Crazy-mad-nuts about this kid...Happy birthday Harrison!

I'm Sorry....He's How Old?!?

 There's this little guy who lives in our house.

Tomorrow, he's going to be five.

Five.

How in the world is my baby five years old?

As much as I love a birthday (LOVE)....not gonna lie~

I'm struggling with this one.

Don't get me wrong....I'm so happy and thankful to be celebrating another year with our youngest.

There is much to celebrate, and we plan to party all week. :)

Here we are the minute after I first laid eyes on him.

It felt like I had known him my entire life, and just like it did with his brothers, my heart grew bigger to accommodate this new love that God had so graciously placed in my arms...in my life.

I was smitten....and in the moment this pic was taken, thinking that he was amazing just for the simple fact that he entered this world so very quickly and easily. I quite literally sneezed him out.

I highly recommend that kind of delivery. ;)

In a flash he went from a dream to a reality. And in a flash I fell completely in love....with his tiny 6 pound, 13 ounce body, his sweet chin dimple, his gorgeous blue eyes, his monkey toes. The perfect amount of hair that had already grown on his delicious-smelling head. Smitten.

 Flash forward 5 years. Emphasis on the "flash forward" part, because, boy....it went fast.

 His beautiful blue eyes have turned to a glistening green.

He's still rockin' that chin dimple, but now he also likes to rock out on his guitar.

He's still the tiniest of the three (for his age, compared to where H1 and H2 were), 

now weighing 44 pounds and measuring almost 44 inches.
He has really great hair. ;)  His head still smells delicious.

And yes....I'm still smitten.

He's hilarious and headstrong.

He's sweet and caring.

He's obsessed with Star Wars.  Obsessed.

He loves peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and chocolate milk.

Cheetos and cake.

Blueberries and yogurt.

Legos are his go-to toys these days, and he's rarely found without a lego guy in his hand. Or his pocket.

He loves preschool, and thanks to Mrs. Cathy and Mrs. Laura, 

has decided that writing letters and drawing pictures is lots of fun after all.

He's really excited about being 5, mostly because when you're 5 you get to

stop taking naps and start going to kindergarten.

*double gulp*

I've been thinking a lot about why I'm having such a hard time with this birthday.

I promise I don't intend to be all melodramatic about it....I mean, it's not about me anyway.

Five is one of those birthdays that have an impact, probably because it marks the end of some things, the beginning of so many others.  I reacted in a similar way when Harrison and Hud each turned 5, so this is nothing new. But this time, it's the last time we will be celebrating 5. The official end of the baby years. The beginning of school, loose teeth, bikes without training wheels, and the tying of shoes. 

The first bigger steps towards independence.

For almost 11 years I've had a baby in the house. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a degree of panic when I start to think about what next year is going to be like with all three of them being in school.  All day.

There's a part of me that is a little excited.  Time to....myself?  What does that mean, exactly? My house will be so clean....but so quiet.  I'll have time to formulate organized thoughts.  And sentences.  Huh.  The preschool shows I've spent so many years watching on tv will be replaced with things like The Today Show and The View. Or I'll get caught up on my dvr for this first time in a long time. I'll probably join the gym or start a yoga class somewhere. Of course, I'll get more involved at the boys' school.  Maybe I'll actually start my master's degree. I'll have time to get a pedicure, to shop a little without interruptions.

But what will I want to do, you ask? I'll want to go back to how things were.  To spend my days playing with my boys like we did when they were little and our biggest decision was what to have for lunch, or if we should play outside before nap or after nap.  To go back to the crazy.  The chaos.  The ridiculous loudness.

What could make me crazy on a day-to-day basis then is sounding absolutely perfect today.

I know they need me just as much (and in some ways, even more) now that they are getting older as they did when they were little.  I will come to treasure even more the hours after school while we work on homework, cook dinner, get caught up on their days. And hey....let's face it.  Some days I will laugh at the afternoon crazy and realize that the quiet days are kind of nice sometimes. ;)

I will long to slow down time as much as I can, in effort to keep them babies as long as possible.  I will try to be wise in letting them grow up as well.  I will hug and kiss and tell them how crazy I am about them on a daily basis.  I will encourage their independence. I will fight for them.  I will live in the moment with them. 

I will probably embarrass them in front of their friends.  

I will pay for their therapy.

Happy 5th birthday to Hunter.  I'm so happy to call him my baby boy.

Love him to the moon and back, one bazillion times.